Tuesday, February 16, 2010


The Boy and I have a neighbor. Well, to be fair, we have lots of neighbors in our min-complex. Some are friends, some are acquaintances, and some ....

Some are the woman I'm going to write about today. We'll call her Melissa, to protect her identity.

Melissa is a problem neighbor. For one, she gets a ridiculous number of packages. The Boy and I are convinced that she never buys anything in a store, but instead has it shipped to our complex. This wouldn't be a problem, per se, if she didn't leave them sitting in the common entry area, blocking everyone else's ability to get safely into and out of our building. I know she comes home at night (we can hear her ... this is next up), so there's really no excuse for not picking up your packages from ebags and taking them upstairs. To add insult to injury, if your'e coming in or out at the same time as Melissa, she doesn't acknowledge that you're there, even if you hold the door for her.

Additionally, Melissa is LOUD. Our apartment building does not have thin walls. We lived in the same building last year on the second floor, not the third, and never heard anything from our neighbors unless they were vaccuuming. But Melissa?

I can tell you that Melissa likes to watch Alton Brown and the Office on DVD. She also likes to fight with her boyfriend late at night. And, most importantly, Melissa likes to have sea lion sex.

Yes, I said sea lion sex. And yes, I may have needed a glass of wine or three to even TYPE that phrase. It is exactly what it sounds like. It is emotionally damaging to listen to. This is especially true when you're a couple of tired grad students who want nothing more than to sleep, and all you can hear is ... sea lion. Suffice it to say we really, really wish we didn't have to live with Melissa next door anymore.

I could handle any one of these infractions on its own. But rude + loud + leaves boxes everywhere for days upon days in the common area + makes loud sea lion noises at night? I'm hoping she didn't renew her lease.


  1. Take her boxes as retributions. Leave a note saying that the fire department has confiscated them on grounds of endagerment. Or some fancy lawyer shit.

    Play that fake O scene from When Harry Met Sally REALLY REALLY LOUDLY with the speakers aimed at her walls. Right after she finishes her walrus sex.

    Leave voodoo dolls with her mail attached lying around outside her door.

  2. Wow. Sea Lion Sex. Reminds me of the neighbor I had downstairs from me in an old apartment. It was either the best sex ever, or she had a very painful medical condition. Not sure which.

  3. Oh my... How awful! The sea lion sex has me rolling though - although I know how gross it would be to listen to in person. Hope she is outta there soon!